You love me, but you don't know who I am... so let me go

picking up the pieces

Tue, 15 May 2007 19:53:09 GMT

everyone is entitled to having a breakdown in undergrad...

just wasn't expecting mine to come spring quarter of senior year.

heaven couldn't wait...

Thu, 16 Nov 2006 04:43:31 GMT

"Death proffereth unto every confident believer the cup that is life indeed... It conferreth the gift of everlasting life." ~Baha'u'llah

"All of her short life was a physical struggle with a heart transplant as a child, another one later, and numerous other serious surgeries and hospitalizations. But if you ever wanted an example of positive attitude and zest for life, you could do no better than Rachael Murphy. She served the Faith in San Diego for a time and then in Portland Oregon before her failing health demanded her return to Utah and the care of her family.

Please take a moment and offer a prayer for the progress of her soul."

Honestly, when I'm down, you are my inspiration. So many physical obstacles and yet you traveled the world and succeeded on countless levels, impacting countless lives. I'm just lucky that I had the opportunity to meet you and learn from you and your smile while you were still in this world.

Living in your precious memory, Rachael. Today and always.

disgustingly random

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 09:01:13 GMT

I am absolutely terrified. Sitting here and filling out these applications for graduate school. I cannot believe that I've spent 4 years at UCLA and am now trying to get out. Trying to get out of this damn state so bad that it hurts. I guess I'm just over it. I love it here, but I'm done. I've had my fair share of experiences. I've learned. I've grown.

Now, leave me be and let me taste the rest of the world.

I'm so scared I won't get accepted into a single program that I'm applying to and it's gonna break my heart. And my dreams. And my family, who already think I'm wasting my time and my money.

I think talking about your feelings is completely legit. Unless it's me. Then I think it's just stupid. I wish I didn't feel that way. Ironic, isn't it? The same people who will spend hours helping others until it hurts, won't help themselves. I guess that's why I want to become a shrink. I want to do everything in my power to help you. And forget about me.

Maybe that's all life really is. Breaking down. Building up. And all the while helping each other survive this crazy world. So laugh off the pain when he breaks your heart. Laugh off the hurt of feeling alone in a world filled with billions people. Life is too short not to keep that beautiful smile on your face.

laugh off the emotions

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 16:10:42 GMT

soooo pretty much worked the shift from hell last night. I forgot how busy the restaurant gets now that summer is almost over. Plus I was working by myself, which always makes things more stressful/hectic/chaotic. I did alright once I realized it was okay to put guests on a wait even tho there were tables open. With only 2 servers on the whole floor at the end of the night, things got a bit overwhelming. The managers finally hired 2 more hosts, which means that once they're all trained and ready to work shifts on their own, it'll be time for me to move on up out of there.

Projected date: September 9th - Believe me, I'm counting down the minutes.

anyways, came home from work absolutely exhausted (ps I was running on 3 hours of sleep from the night before), and my roommate borrowed my keys to get something out of the car... ends up dropping the car keys down the elevator shaft.

That's right. Drops 'em. They're gone. Our manager says it'll not only take a week to retrieve them, but it'll be really expensive.

ps. Those were the spare key.
pss. the girls are coming up to visit tonight and I'm not sure how it'll work now that I don't have the car

All I could do was laugh. Laugh that I had worked so hard. Laugh that I was so tired. Laugh because I couldn't believe something so ridiculous could happen.

Laugh, because I knew if I didn't... I would surely cry.

lol

Tue, 15 Aug 2006 04:52:56 GMT

thought this would make you laugh too:

so today I saw two college boys (who were walking in opposite directions) walk straight into each other. Funny how they were right in front of each other and didn't even notice... no disrespect, but I'm guessing it was probably because both their heads were turned towards the IM Field as they were so intent on watching the little middle school cheerleaders practice their routines.

gotta love them boys! ;)

train the trainer training...

Wed, 26 Jul 2006 01:43:28 GMT

At the end of our training session we received these goody bags... you know, like the ones you used to get at birthday parties when you were 7? But this one had some interesting things in it with an explanation for each item. I found it surprisingly deep and meaningful... Hopefully you'll find it as applicable to life as I did:

A rubber band: To remind you to be flexible, things might not always go the way you want, but it will work out.
A band-aid: To remind you to help heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's.
A pen: To remind you to list your blessings everyday.
An eraser: To remind you that everyone makes mistakes and it's okay.
A mint: To remind you that you are worth a mint.
A tea bag: To remind you to relax daily and reflect on the positive things in your life.
A lifesaver: To remind you that everyone needs a helping hand.

And now I can "officially" train host newbies at BJ's :)

It'll get better if I just let it out...

Tue, 25 Jul 2006 17:05:22 GMT

I know this is a horrible thing to write, but I'm gonna write it anyways because it's honestly how I feel right now. Life has been so shitty lately that I wish I hadn't walked away from the accident.

taking this one to heart...

Thu, 20 Jul 2006 20:42:41 GMT

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.
~Benjamin Disraeli

Summer lovin'

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 17:48:21 GMT

Top ten reasons why I love summer at UCLA:
10. LA beaches
9. Cutely confused freshmen-to-be wandering around campus with their heads buried in a map
8. Foreign exchange students
7. Visiting professors who have never taught an actual course in their lives
6. Subletters
5. Seeing summer big hit movies at the Mann
4. Funky styles and summer dresses at Minx
3. A deserted bruinwalk
2. Blistering hot days, but even... hotter ... nights

1. The opportunity to meet some amazing people...

Summertime, let the good times roll.

unbelievable

Tue, 20 Jun 2006 05:15:07 GMT

Eating lunch this afternoon, I witnessed a car lose control only inches away that severely injured three people. If I close my eyes I can still see every detail and hear the sound of the tires screeching against the pavement. It brought so much perspective. Life is so short. You never know when it'll be over. You never know when it'll be taken away. Some freak accident later... I hope you don't take even a single moment in your life for granted.

thanks for the entertainment

Wed, 24 May 2006 23:55:17 GMT

I think some couples enjoy arguing. Why? I’m still at a loss. Sitting in the library, I can hear the girl next to me (who’s ps. clearly Persian) on the phone arguing with her boyfriend over why he's being so controlling. I’m assuming it’s her boyfriend because occasionally between the f*** yous she’s calling him baby.

lol.

Does anyone else find this amusing?

la sorpresa que nos une

Wed, 03 May 2006 01:17:59 GMT

un mundo derrotado. Pero asi es la vida. Y la unica cosa que podemos hacer es aumentar nuestra fuerza para que no fracasamos la proxima vez que la vida nos trata a derrotar. No te prometo que es algo facil, pero digame, tenemos otra opcion? Solo podemos levantar cada mañana con una sonrisa en la cara y ojala que a pesar de todo, ésta sonrisa nos queda todo el dia. y para siempre.

No voy a mentir y decir que su muerte no fue una sorpresa grande para toda nuestra familia. Algunas veces sentimos que las cosas en la vida no son justos. Como ésto. No entendemos porque, pero sabemos lo que tenemos que hacer. Y unimos y los hacemos. Juntos. ésto es un ejemplo. Solo sé que quiero morir como tu. Despues de que hablo con mi familia y de una manera inmediata, sin sufrir. También, tu muerte me muestre que la familia es sinceramente la mas importante que tenemos en ésta vida. Lo unico que van a apoyarte para siempre. A veces siento que desde mudarme afuera de San Diego ya no me importa mi familia como antes. Pero anoche cuando descubri lo que paso, realicé que mi familia vale por todo mi mundo. Nunca voy a olvidar este momento en mi vida y ésta realizacion de la importancia de la familia, más que todos los amigos que tenemos.

como vamos a recordarte y tu sonrisa, para siempre.

in loving memory

Rude. Party of 1: You.

Tue, 25 Apr 2006 07:01:56 GMT

Okay, so I know that customer service has always been my forte, from working in a toy store dealing with crazy kids, and their even crazier parents and grandparents, to the front desk dealing with residents who don't even notice you until they've locked themselves out of their rooms and suddenly care because now they need you.

But working in a restaurant has been strenuous beyond words.

Take yesterday, for example: I got yelled at and humiliated by an elderly gentlemen at work and I was so close to burst into tears. But all I did was nod and say, "yessir, you're absolutely correct." Because they teach you that the customer is always right and you should never say "no" to a customer. Unfortunately. Even though in the back of my head all I was thinking was, "It wasn't my fault!!!" And as he was leaving I mustered up every single ounce of pride and said "Have a good day sir" even though all I was thinking was "damn, I feel sorry for your family and anyone who ever has to come in contact with you in the future."

I always thought that I could deal with older people who are rude and look down on you. The whole respect your elders thing was drilled into me really well. But yesterday, my eyes literally welled up as he kept on repeating "Just admit it! Just admit it! You didn't do your job! You did a horrible job!" I don't understand, how can you yell at someone who's clearly trying to be so nice to you? :(

i've made up my mind

Wed, 12 Apr 2006 00:26:41 GMT

I'm staring down at these two baby shower invitations and crying. People think that by going, they're supporting your actions. Today, I finally made the decision to go to both because I feel it's the only way that I can prove to you two that I support YOU.

It's hard enough being 17 and 18, so I couldn't ever imagine how much more confusing and difficult it must be to add an innocent baby into the mix.

But I still can't believe it's true. so surreal. so numb.

I wish it was all just a bad dream and not reality.

springtime randomness

Sat, 08 Apr 2006 21:04:50 GMT

Last night's DevotioSoc was hilarious... literally:

Sometimes I really think we just laugh too much, but it feels so good especially after everything we went through these last two weeks.

I can't believe I'm about to say this... we finally secured an apartment for next year. No more drama. No more apartment hunting. No more arguments, number crunching, and late night sketches being drawn out for possible floor plans. None of it. We have a place to live.

Insert a huge sigh of relief here.

it's the love boat, baby!

I wish you realized that life is always perfect, if you look at it in the right light

Sun, 12 Mar 2006 21:04:43 GMT

she was about to leave, but then she looked at me and did a double take. her eyes seemed to fill with concern as she asked how I was doing. "You look so drained, are you sure you're okay?" For a split second she reminded me of my mom and I had the sudden urge to start recounting the events of the past week amidst tears. Instead I turned to her and smiled. "I'm fine, just a little tired." No, I wasn't lying, but I definitely didn't feel the need in telling her the whole truth.

A part of me wants to scream to the world what happened, but I know it would amount to nothing. And honestly, it never does. I blame my mom for making me this strong. Whenever life was overwhelming and I would run to her sobbing she would always make me feel worse. I used to hate it, but now I see the person she's forced me to grow up to be, and I can't thank her enough.

If there's one thing that came out of this week, it's this: as much pain as this put me through, you have made me realize my true calling in life, and for that, I thank you.

"It is certain that tests and trials are inseparable from this life and a vital requirement thereof, especially for the human race and above all for those who claim to have faith and love."

put in my two weeks notice today...

Mon, 23 Jan 2006 18:38:46 GMT

I feel like this morning a load was gently lifted off my shoulders and thrust aside. Needless to say, I walked away from you with a lighter step. And when I finally stopped, I noticed that despite the tears in my eyes, I had the biggest smile on my face.

I missed that smile.

I do understand that despite everything you've put me through: what with all the petty drama, obviously false rumors that spread like wildfire, sleepless nights, and countless sacrifices I made for you, we do have a lot of memories together that I will cherish forever.

I know that should you come back in my life again it will be because I'm ready for you. So, for the opportunity you've given me to learn and grow over a year and then some, I thank you. And atleast for now, I'm closing another chapter of my life. Goodbye Sproul...

randomly rambling because it's late and I'm exhausted

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 09:35:59 GMT

The flan was a fluke; the smell of burnt pita still lingers in the living room. And although I had nothing to do with the latter, I can't help but remember this quote from 'Abdu'l-Baha:

"If you do not smile now, for what time will you await and what greater happiness could you expect?"

So you see, I really have no choice, but to smile!

It does help that everything tonight was amazing. I feel like for the past couple of weeks my life merely consisted of puzzle pieces just waiting for some divine intervention. And tonight... well, tonight I feel like my life finally came together.

So all the decisions I've been putting off, tomorrow I'll finally have to come face to face with many of them. But I think it's time for me to take that final step. I need to see what else the world has to offer me before I leave this big city behind. Wish me love. And lots of luck of course.

Let me tell you my firsts...

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 09:22:46 GMT

This whole week was full of firsts:

First official week back
First time I baked cookies from scratch
First time BOTH smoke alarms went off in the apt (it wasn't my fault!)
First time I actually dreaded the quarter starting up again
First time I got rejected at a job interview and it made me ecstatic
First time I called the escort service to get a ride home after midnight
First time I had the guts to tell my supervisor I had to cut my hours at the lab
First time I played something other than classical music on the violin (Radiohead, Coldplay, & the Postal Service)
First time I alternated going from the gym, to running the perimeter of UCLA, to studying at powell (not because you made me, but because I wanted to)

It was the first time I took a leap of faith and didn't tell you every last detail...

because I guess some firsts are just better left unsaid

setting the tone for winter quarter

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 10:39:19 GMT

I had been trying to avoid work all weekend knowing that the craziness of check-in was beginning and yet somehow I found myself working a 6hr shift this afternoon. However, contrary to what I had previously imagined, the sea of blue was able to take on the mass of ironically confused students who wandered in to regain access to their rooms.

The shift flew by and later we hit up Danny's 21st... somehow I wound up at the World in Hollywood (the same club we had all gone to this summer). Granted, last time I was there it was with a high fever and it was still a blast, so you can only imagine how tonight went. As much as I love the 80's, I will never stop loving hip-hop & rap because you can daaance to it!!! And now? 3am and I'm sitting in my living room after a nice warm shower, knowing in the back of my head that winter quarter officially starts tomorrow, but the idea of sleep is far from my thoughts. The truth is, I'm in denial about the whole thing and my mind is racing with random thoughts of the future.

There's nothing like going clubbing the night before your first day of class to gear up for the new quarter.
Good luck everyone!

Awakenings

Thu, 05 Jan 2006 19:07:11 GMT

Not always the biggest believer in horoscopes, but last year's horoscope from MSN was dead on, so I can only hope that this year will hold the same potentials:

Sagittarius, you're always searching for knowledge, and this year you'll continue that quest, perhaps even more eagerly. Yet it won't be the same subjects that have fascinated you before. There will be new interest, possibly career-related - and new skills that will boost you up the ladder of success. Other pursuits could be introduced to you by friends, and an exciting and supportive love partner could steer you in directions that you never before dreamed of. You'll also recognize new insights about yourself, enabling you to eschew traumas and hang-ups that have haunted you since childhood, and see the way to maximizing your potential. During 2006, not only the quality of your personal life, but also your level of knowledge, will skyrocket. Make the most of it!

Best wishes for a fabulous new year everybody

Fri, 30 Dec 2005 09:13:23 GMT

so I happened to run across this picture today that made me miss LA all over again. It's a picture from our IM volleyball team last year. Actually, it's the picture we took right after we WON the championship.

wouldn't life be perfect if we could just skip winter quarter altogether and jump right into spring? (sigh)

A picture is worth 1000 words

Mon, 21 Nov 2005 00:52:25 GMT

If you didn't realize it already, I got a digital camera which is why I've been going picture crazy lately... okay, more so than normal (Thank you Mau!!!) Granted, it cost me about half my paycheck, but it was damn worth it. :)

So Kent showed me how to use the flower shooting feature
Isn't it absolutely beautiful? It's amazing how much roses can cheer up an entire apt. Thank you!

More pictures from our

Tonight we also found out that Baha'i youth in Iran are being barred from higher education solely because of their beliefs and it broke my heart. The worst part is the government keeps trying to cover up their actions by making loop holes in their promises to the international community about the human rights violations being committed in that country. The games they're playing are disgusting and absolutely heartbreaking. Care at all? Check it out yourself at http://denial.bahai.org/

Meanwhile, I'm no longer taking my education for granted...

It's their special day

Fri, 14 Oct 2005 18:18:30 GMT

I love weddings. Everyone's so happy and so in love. siiigh.
CONGRATULATIONS Candace and Gary!

The happy couple

me and my sis

the roomies

You and your wedding were absolutely beautiful.

why can't you see it?

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 06:16:02 GMT

See, you and me
Have a better time than most can dream
Have it better than the best
So we can pull on through
Whatever tears at us
Whatever holds us down
And if nothing can be done
We'll make the best of what's around

Turns out not where but who you're with
That really matters