You love me, but you don't know who I am... so let me go

everyone is entitled to having a breakdown in undergrad...

just wasn't expecting mine to come spring quarter of senior year.

"Death proffereth unto every confident believer the cup that is life indeed... It conferreth the gift of everlasting life." ~Baha'u'llah

"All of her short life was a physical struggle with a heart transplant as a child, another one later, and numerous other serious surgeries and hospitalizations. But if you ever wanted an example of positive attitude and zest for life, you could do no better than Rachael Murphy. She served the Faith in San Diego for a time and then in Portland Oregon before her failing health demanded her return to Utah and the care of her family.

Please take a moment and offer a prayer for the progress of her soul."


Honestly, when I'm down, you are my inspiration. So many physical obstacles and yet you traveled the world and succeeded on countless levels, impacting countless lives. I'm just lucky that I had the opportunity to meet you and learn from you and your smile while you were still in this world.

Living in your precious memory, Rachael. Today and always.

I am absolutely terrified. Sitting here and filling out these applications for graduate school. I cannot believe that I've spent 4 years at UCLA and am now trying to get out. Trying to get out of this damn state so bad that it hurts. I guess I'm just over it. I love it here, but I'm done. I've had my fair share of experiences. I've learned. I've grown.

Now, leave me be and let me taste the rest of the world.

I'm so scared I won't get accepted into a single program that I'm applying to and it's gonna break my heart. And my dreams. And my family, who already think I'm wasting my time and my money.

I think talking about your feelings is completely legit. Unless it's me. Then I think it's just stupid. I wish I didn't feel that way. Ironic, isn't it? The same people who will spend hours helping others until it hurts, won't help themselves. I guess that's why I want to become a shrink. I want to do everything in my power to help you. And forget about me.

Maybe that's all life really is. Breaking down. Building up. And all the while helping each other survive this crazy world. So laugh off the pain when he breaks your heart. Laugh off the hurt of feeling alone in a world filled with billions people. Life is too short not to keep that beautiful smile on your face.

soooo pretty much worked the shift from hell last night. I forgot how busy the restaurant gets now that summer is almost over. Plus I was working by myself, which always makes things more stressful/hectic/chaotic. I did alright once I realized it was okay to put guests on a wait even tho there were tables open. With only 2 servers on the whole floor at the end of the night, things got a bit overwhelming. The managers finally hired 2 more hosts, which means that once they're all trained and ready to work shifts on their own, it'll be time for me to move on up out of there.

Projected date: September 9th - Believe me, I'm counting down the minutes.

anyways, came home from work absolutely exhausted (ps I was running on 3 hours of sleep from the night before), and my roommate borrowed my keys to get something out of the car... ends up dropping the car keys down the elevator shaft.

That's right. Drops 'em. They're gone. Our manager says it'll not only take a week to retrieve them, but it'll be really expensive.

ps. Those were the spare key.
pss. the girls are coming up to visit tonight and I'm not sure how it'll work now that I don't have the car

All I could do was laugh. Laugh that I had worked so hard. Laugh that I was so tired. Laugh because I couldn't believe something so ridiculous could happen.

Laugh, because I knew if I didn't... I would surely cry.

thought this would make you laugh too:

so today I saw two college boys (who were walking in opposite directions) walk straight into each other. Funny how they were right in front of each other and didn't even notice... no disrespect, but I'm guessing it was probably because both their heads were turned towards the IM Field as they were so intent on watching the little middle school cheerleaders practice their routines.

gotta love them boys! ;)

At the end of our training session we received these goody bags... you know, like the ones you used to get at birthday parties when you were 7? But this one had some interesting things in it with an explanation for each item. I found it surprisingly deep and meaningful... Hopefully you'll find it as applicable to life as I did:

A rubber band: To remind you to be flexible, things might not always go the way you want, but it will work out.
A band-aid: To remind you to help heal hurt feelings, yours or someone else's.
A pen: To remind you to list your blessings everyday.
An eraser: To remind you that everyone makes mistakes and it's okay.
A mint: To remind you that you are worth a mint.
A tea bag: To remind you to relax daily and reflect on the positive things in your life.
A lifesaver: To remind you that everyone needs a helping hand.

And now I can "officially" train host newbies at BJ's :)

I know this is a horrible thing to write, but I'm gonna write it anyways because it's honestly how I feel right now. Life has been so shitty lately that I wish I hadn't walked away from the accident.

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.
~Benjamin Disraeli

Top ten reasons why I love summer at UCLA:
10. LA beaches
9. Cutely confused freshmen-to-be wandering around campus with their heads buried in a map
8. Foreign exchange students
7. Visiting professors who have never taught an actual course in their lives
6. Subletters
5. Seeing summer big hit movies at the Mann
4. Funky styles and summer dresses at Minx
3. A deserted bruinwalk
2. Blistering hot days, but even... hotter ... nights

1. The opportunity to meet some amazing people...


Summertime, let the good times roll.

Eating lunch this afternoon, I witnessed a car lose control only inches away that severely injured three people. If I close my eyes I can still see every detail and hear the sound of the tires screeching against the pavement. It brought so much perspective. Life is so short. You never know when it'll be over. You never know when it'll be taken away. Some freak accident later... I hope you don't take even a single moment in your life for granted.